Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
