Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
His nipple licking is glorious
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