I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
