I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
