We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
