Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
