i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
