i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
