I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
