Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
