tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
