My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
