If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
