Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
