You're completely useless in the revolution.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
