I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
