Pants 0. Shit 1.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
