are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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