Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
