Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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