The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
