Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
