CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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