Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
