the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
