I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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