just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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