so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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