It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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