I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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