god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
