uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
