there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
