I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
