dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
