I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
