Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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