my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
