There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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