I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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