The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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