I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
