Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
