Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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