I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
