i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
