He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
