i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
