3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
