Who wears a wallet chain?!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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