Cold hands, warm shart.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
