I smell stomach acid.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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