My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
